This One Goes Out to Jason L

We all fell into a giant Otyugh pit. It was freaking huge. I can't begin to speak of what we had to do to survive. Mostly it was pretty boring.

Actually, a bigger factor was probably the strange life recently of our user. Have you ever seen Tron? You know how there's like a god/subject relationship between the programs and the users? Well, our "god" has a lot of weird things going on right now. Lots of ridiculous things. Lots of things that may even be more ridiculous than this blog. Ever see that episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation where that guy from The A-team spends way too much time on the holodeck with his "hollow pursuits?" It's also a little like that.

Jason L, since you helped us get out of our pit, I'm willing to thank you... personally. Check out my hot outfit.

Oh, and P.S. yeah, there is another entry coming. Also on the horizon: actually beating the game. SO on the horizon!

CotAB: Entry 17 (the challenge of nothing)

So once again, apologies are in order. Since our last apology, we've again been negligent in or blogging. My excuse is that I'm far far too old to be blogging. The young folks in the party have no such excuse. Their excuse is probably something like "we're too cool to blog" or something to that effect that kids say nowdays to get out of doing work.

We have carried on though. We still have several cursed bonds to get rid of -- although the temptation is obviously there to not bother getting rid of them. They only seem to affect us when we actively pursue whomever put them on us. If we just retire in the country (and we could too -- we have so much gold it's difficult to carry) the bonds wouldn't have any effect at all. BUT, if we seek out who put them on us, we wind up killing them. Makes me wonder what the point of someone putting the bonds on us in the first place when all that comes of that is their own demise.

We had the bright idea of heading off to Hillsfar. The theory was that since a future adventure that we're hoping to take place in is actually called "Hillsfar" then it would be a rollicking wonderland full of adventure and plot direction.

Not so. Turns out there isn't anything of incredible importance there. Perhaps because a future adventure is so likely in Hillsfar, current adventure is right out. And like everywhere else we go it takes a very long amount of time to actually find our bearings and get the map cartographied.

Here is the map of Hillsfar. Now you don't have to go what we went through. One of the rooms looked like either an IT server farm or a metallic morgue. Not sure with my 8-bit eyes.



We happened upon some pirates. They talked very stereotypically, but they were pretty clean cut and had the most fabulous blue satin tunics. They actually buried a treasure. They also had the nerve to attempt to keelhaul us. Yeah! We're in the middle of the ruins of a city and they actually bothered to spot us and say let's keel haul these guys! So instead of just going up to us and stabbing us, their big plan (I assume since we discovered their treasure) was to 1) incapacitate us without killing us, 2) somehow transport us a few miles to wherever their ship was docked and 3) set sail with the sole purpose of dragging us behind the ship. And all of that plan would have had to take place without us escaping or killing them at any point. They must really love keel hauling. Maybe they do it for fun. Maybe they get enough speed that the person being keel hauled can stand on a plank in the wake. Rexbasior guessed that such an activity would be called wakeplanking.


So we destroyed the pirates as well as some other interesting monsters. What are margoyles? Did they not get approval from the official Gargoyle Naming Society?


So we got the requisite buried treasure. At this point money is worthless, but we still have the compulsion to carry the loot around. How can we just let money go to waste? It's probably illegal.

Where We've Been

The gang nominated me to make the official announcement that once again, we're not dead.

I think it's because I have no qualms about awkward confrontation. It's one of the liberating things about being evil. Of course one of the burdens of being lawful is that I'm required to follow protocol such as this.

You're probably wondering what we've been up to. Besides forgetting the enchanted DOSBox commands to get us back into the adventure, we've led some very varied lives in the interim.

Rexbasior fell for a tall, lovely enchantress he met on a magic conversation log. They exchanged incredible missives on that log, but when they finally met face-to-face they had nothing at all to talk to each other about. Plus, I think she was hoping for someone far taller.

Derfindor decided to hit an ancient clerical temple whose patrons claimed to hold the secrets of youthful rejuvenation. Since Derf has such an advanced case of Old, he plunked down a few hundred gold to youthify himself by 100 days. The process actually took 103 days, though.

Disposo was sick of not having a physical fighting edge, so he joined a men's club of casual fighters. He didn't seem to learn anything. From what I can tell he just got a lot of manly oil rubdowns.

Silver the Enchantress attempted magical wenching. She crafted all sorts of amorous spells, but still couldn't increase her bust. Apparently it's more important than forbidden pheromones.

Pilgrim got severe beard infection. After shaving, he retired to a beholder cave to grow the beard back properly and have a few extra sets of eyes to make sure it was sculpted right.

I, in the meantime, considered changing religions again, but got too much entertainment out of my fellow adventurers. The need for a new religion, was therefore quenched.

I won't apologize. You may want to know, though, that we are continuing our adventure. Stay patient and stay posted.

Even though I'm evil, I and we must say thanks thanks thanks for the posts urging us on!

CotAB: Entry 16 (knackered knickers)

Before I begin recounting our journeys of late, let me just say that I think we're due for a HUGE vacation! I'm like, wicked frazzled. Not sure about my companions, but I need a treatment. So, in perhaps a rash distracting move, I decided to do a little research on where we should go on vacation rather than look over our journeynotes.

Here's something interesting! According to Google Analytics, we're HUGE in France! Well actually, we had someone visit our blog from Puyricard. I imagine that's the town where Jean-Luc Picard was born. Now that we have a connection there, maybe we can crash. I'd love to see the Picard Monument. Just throwin' that out there...


We also got a few mighty hits in Hoorn, Netherlands... or is it Hoorn, The Netherlands? Maybe it's just Netherland since we're talking about only one town here. I just have to ask, is Hoorn closer to the Native American village or to where Captain Hook usually docks? I've always wanted to ask someone from Nether Netherland.


Ahhh, scenic Finland! I'm so happy that we have support in Finland, 'cuz I'd love to hang out there for a day or a month or however long Finland would have us on its couch. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to get a decent karjalanpiirakka in the Dalelands? Also, I'm ashamed to admit this, but I've never seen Hanoi Rocks live. I know, I know. As an excuse I must admit that I'm in the anachronistic profession of medieval adventuring. It's actually kind of weird, what with all the dragons I fight and oldschool scrolls I read and all the mead I drink, that I've never actually been to Europe. Let us stay with you in Finland, though! Once we've recharged we'll totally lick these cursed bonds! We'll give 'em Helsinki!

Anyway, on to our most recent adventures:


Ugh! Gross.


What in the world is a "psuedopod?" Is it, like, a pod made out of fine leather?


Whoops!


All I remember at this point is that Rex and Pilgrim both looked at each other and were mad at first and totally started shaking, but then they were both crying by the time Alias was ten feet away.


Okay... to sum up... what the heck all just happened up in there?

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CotAB: Entry 15 (Alias, Dragonbait and bread)

As mentioned before, we decided to leave Yulash before heading into the pit to free up some inventory. We figured this would be a great time to hit up our old stomping grounds: Phlan!

Disappointingly, what once was a huge city full of prestige and culture has become just a couple of stone shacks with some chickens or ducks or something. The housing development company that developed the city designs of Shadowdale, Essembra, Voonlar and Teshwave must've gotten their paws on Phlan, razed the town and put up the same track housing they've put up in the rest of the Dalelands.


We established our cromulence in the Moonsea. After killing our first batch of pirates on the way to Phlan, the second batch heard of us and turned tail and ran. Ha!

Still, on the way back to Yulash we were followed by some green-robed religious weirdos. They said they were "following the 'chosen ones' to Yulash." It may have been a good idea to kill them right then and there. Looking back it seems pretty obvious that the "chosen ones" they were following were actually us and that they hoped to take part in our "sacrifice" later (i.e. "kill" us later).

The Pit of Moander has thus far been filled with a lot more dialogue than I thought it would have. Excellent bonus. It's like the most social cave we've ever been in.


There were smells all over the place. Not necessarily bad smells.


I could not figure this out. Often the smell of bread would accompany the company of giant slugs. I'm no baker. Do slugs have anything to do with bread? If so, I'm only eating meat from now on. Does bread have anything to do with death? Did you ever see that episode of M*A*S*H
where Winchester has a near death experience so he puts himself around patients who are about to die so that he can ask them what they're going through? He gets no results until he finally finds a guy about to die at the Battalion Aide Station and just before the soldier dies he says "I smell bread." Maybe it's like that and we were smelling the bread of the slugs' minds before we squished them.

We also smelled tar just before we met the chick. Can't explain that.


Around the corner we met this pretty bird named Alias and her pet lizard. She's the official image of Curse of the Azure Bonds. She's the girl. Although in the promo picture her hair looks like she just stepped out of a salon, but now, in the middle of the Pit of Moander, her hair is pretty agitated. She does wear some armor that totally exposes her HEART, but I totally don't mind. As soon as she appeared, Rex and I glanced at each other. This wasn't a "hey, check her out" glance. This was a grimacing "alright, it's on pretty boy" glance. He actually thinks he has a chance over me? Ha! The simple fighter doesn't know that there's a distinct advantage to being a fighter/cleric/magic-user. I can be whatever the ladies want me to be.

Her lizard is from some other dimension.

Okay. Follow that? I don't get it either. If she's already gotten rid of her Moander bond, what's she doing here now? Since when do bards have enough power to build giant golems? Why would anybody be named Dragonbait? Isn't that just asking for trouble?

Alias finally spoke something that I understand. She mentioned the matter of treasure behind the main altar.


Thankfully the hallways thus far have been surprisingly empty. We really had an easy time exploring around. Alias mentioned that it gave her the creeps since just a short time sooner, the place was "crawling with monsters."


It's stuff like this Zhentil letter that makes me think that our job would be a lot easier if we just waited for all the bad guys to kill each other.


Looks like Alias is also part of the Swanmays. Probably even more original than that dark elf who tattooed Chlorine. Alias was like "So the dark elf has taken the name of the organization I supposedly belonged to. That's something I'll have to investigate." Hmm. An organization composed entirely of hot tattooed chicks? Now that's something I'll have to investigate!


The major battle on level 2 took place right in the middle of some crossroads. It took a lot out of us. The slugs have this 60 hp erasing acid spit thing going on.

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CotAB: Entry 14 (us: 1, Yulash: 0)

I'm pleased to announce the completion of the map of Yulash. It came with much hard work. There were robed weirdos, green moundy things, bad guys, good guys and beggars that we totally had to mow down with our killer fighting moves in order to map this place once and for all for the good of humanity. It's not like we like mowing people down, but society should have thought of that before they thought the crappy map they gave us was good enough.


I don't like slum life. Everybody hated us there! It's not our fault we eat well and have nicer clothes than they do. I pity them. I pity them for their ignorance, not their extreme poverty. Some of them shared a little bit of information that would have been useful if we weren't anal about mapping every inch of town for ourselves anyway.


Ok, maybe I'm young and I'm not "getting it," but what's up with the "checkpoints?" The looters and the pink plumes went out of their way to explain where the checkpoints were, but once we got there we couldn't rest or anything. The plumes would rouse us and tell us to move along. What? Are the checkpoints just to rub it in our faces that they can take a nap in the city, but we can't?

Speaking of the plumes, not all of them are very nice. At least they'd rather fight us than whatever is in the pit. I'm incredibly brave and everything, but while fighting and killing the plumes that were deserting their duty, I considered something pretty disturbing. These guys actually felt that they had a better chance of beating us in a fight than whatever is in that hole. It's simple mathematics, really. We might be screwed.


Near the entrance to Moander's Pit, some shambling mounds were arguing over some kind of clerical wand. No idea what this is about. I didn't even know clerics used wands. It's called a wand of defoliation. That either means it melts plants or it's good for your face pores. Why do I care? That's why I became a fighter -- a lot less schooling.


So here's the pit.


Demesne: land attached to manor and retained for the owner's own use.

Seeing the pit itself, I'm not so scared anymore. I mean, it's just a hole, right? He could have at least put the pit in the mouth of a giant skull entrance or something. This, this is just weak.

I'm pretty sure we're going to head back into town to sell some of our loot, and uh, rest up a bit first though.

The video this time around has a sneak peak on what we may be up against next time. We sort of unofficially goofed around after we officially finished with this blog post's session. Looks like our next entry ought to be pretty exciting.